Thoughts on selfishness

As promised, I am here to continue my train of thought on second-guessing myself, which leads ultimately to the topic of selfishness.  Let's dive right in.


I've been told by two different people (whose opinions I greatly value) at two different times in my life (two very different phases, actually, where I thought my behavior had changed radically from one phase to the next) that I'm a very selfish person.  So much so, in fact, that I'm not even aware of it.  It is simply so deeply ingrained in my personality that I am that way without a second thought.  My very nature is selfish.  This I tell you as it was told to me.  Obviously, I am unaware of such selfish behavior, as I never thought myself a selfish person.

The first person whose opinion I value told me I was excessively, unbelievably selfish about 6 years ago.  I thought on it, dismissed it, and continued as I had been for another two years. In the back of my mind, though, I started recognizing those hurtful words for truth as I paid more attention to my behavior, and started to slowly change my way of thinking. 

Three years ago I met Chris and realized that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I decided to revisit those aspects of my personality that could use polishing in an attempt to be a more enjoyable person to be around.  It seemed to work, because we've been very happy together.  We even decided to start a family, and had our first child, a son, on April 25th of this year.  You'll be hearing PLENTY about him later  =)

Not too long ago, though, I was told once again that I am a very selfish person.

If the words hurt a little the first time around and made me more aware of my actions, they hurt even more so this time, because I'd been made aware of my selfish tendencies and was consciously trying to be UNselfish for some time.  Instead of rejecting the words out of hand like I did the first time, I took them to heart and redoubled my efforts to be more selfless.  It's taking a toll, though, since I now feel a little like I'm stretched too thin and I take no enjoyment in doing things solely to please others.  I used to, when I thought it was appreciated.  Now I find out not only is it not appreciated, it's not even noticed, because I'm still perceived as selfish.


I find that I'm not one of those people that can be completely selfless and be happy in the knowledge that I'm making someone else happy.  I like for my efforts to be recognized.  Not every time, no, but occasionally.  Otherwise I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of, which makes me want to stop thinking about what everyone else wants altogether. If I go out of my way to do something for you, I expect you to recognize it on some level.  An offhand "Thanks" is enough (not to mention polite).  Acting like you deserve it, for whatever reason, is the fastest way to make it never happen again.

I find myself struggling with a decision:  do I continue to make more of an effort than I ever have before to put the needs and desires of others in front of my own, possibly making myself miserable in the process, or do I continue at the same “level of selflessness” that I’ve been at for the last few years where I was happy and it seemed those around me were happy as well? Is it selfish that I'm even considering continuing the behaviors that made me happy?

I've decided to end this post now because I feel like I've lost my original point and it's going to turn into me whining, and that's SO not attractive.